I am learning to cherish every stage of my life. Parenthood has made me wiser – I am at my peak when it comes to matters wisdom. It has taught me to appreciate everything, especially the little details that under normal circumstances I would never have paid any attention to. There is a stage in kids where they ask the most random of questions that will leave you thinking a tad bit hard for answers.
Like the other day when my six year old daughter asked me if her grandfather was having dinner with God at that hour.
“I’m sorry, what?” I paused with the spoon I was holding midway to my mouth.
“You told me he was dead. Do you think he is with God right now?”
“Ofcourse, ofcourse yes,” I managed to answer.
“So he went to heaven?”
“He did yes.”
“Because he was a good man?”
“Yes, he was a very good man. A great man.”
“What about you, do you think you’ll go to heaven?”
I paused midway with my spoon again.
“I do yes, I will go to heaven. I think. I don’t think I am a bad person.”
Hmmmmmm, I heard her murmur and couldn’t help wondering what that meant. I couldn’t gather the strength to ask, lest I be hit with some bad news like I won’t make heaven because I shouted at her to hurry up one morning while preparing her for school.
“I really don’t think sally will go to heaven,” once she was on to something, she never stopped. I knew it would be a futile attempt to try and stop her. So I just went along with it.
“Why?” I asked her
“She is always doing magic things and making our stuff disappear.”
“That one is definitely not going to heaven.” I quipped while seizing the moment to give a lecture. I mean, my ancestors would be disappointed if I let that opportunity pass.
“If you want to go to heaven you must be a good girl, listen to your teachers, be kind, don’t fight with other children, say sorry, obey your mother and father…..” You know the drift.
I have become like a soldier at war, always ready for the incomings that come flying out of nowhere.
Case in point when she asked me Infront of a group of people how I managed to swallow her in my stomach when she was a baby. Ahem.
Most importantly however, is my daughter has taught me to appreciate every moment in my life. I actually intentionally take a step back, breathe in and smell the flowers. When a happy occasion is happening I remind myself to soak it in and not fly through it, only to look back with nostalgia one day thinking “those were happier times.” I want to enjoy every moment. I am very intentional about it.
Some of these things you have to learn as you go, no one teaches you that and no one prepares you for the lessons.
You see, my daughter has this habit where every morning when I drop her in school she stands at the gate for a couple of minutes while doing the heart sign with her hands as I do the same. It’s our little thing that we always do and our day would not be complete if we didn’t. (I know mine wouldn’t be). She used to kiss me on both cheeks and demand that I do the same, and that I gladly used to. I cannot tell when exactly it happened – or stopped happening for that matter – but suddenly the kisses dried up. It was so abrupt. I didn’t want to be labeled as a nagging human being so I never asked about it, however much it hurt me. So you understand how I felt when the heart signs started reducing too. For the last couple of days, once I drop her at the gate she’d dash inside inside without as much as a backward glance.
Thing is, I wasn’t planning on giving up on this without a fight. I have already given up on way too much as it is; the kisses, the bedtimes stories, the random hugs, the clinginess that used to irritate me but which i now miss so much because i realise that stage of being needed is slowly disappearing, forever. By the way, if you want to know more about your child’s character or what is going on in their life, the perfect time is right before they go to sleep. They usually open up so much at that time. I had already given up on so much, why would I give up on the heart signs? I wasn’t amused.
A couple of night ago, while doing our bedtime routine, I asked the question.
“How come for the last few days you don’t do our heart signs at the gate in school before I leave?”
“Mum…” She started to say something but thought the better of it.
“What? Tell me.”
“Sometimes people are looking.”
I was taken aback.
“What do you mean people are looking? When did it start mattering to you that people are looking? It never bothered you before. You never used to notice other people!”
My skipped abit. Was this it? Am I losing her? Was she suddenly becoming self conscious? I couldn’t. I just could not.
“The other day when I did the sign teacher saw it and did it back to me. I was so embarrassed.” I would have laughed if it wasn’t for the fact that I felt so sad. Also, I let my mind dwell a bit on the fact that she had used the word embarrassed. I don’t think I had used that word before I was in class 6.
“So you’ll no longer be doing it because you are afraid people will see?”
“Mom, I’ll be doing it.” I think she saw how sad I was and slyly changed the topic.
“Are you a Kisii?”
I wondered where she had picked that from.
“Yes, why do you ask?”
“Does that mean I am a Kisii too?” She was growing up too fast. Faster than I could keep up.
“Yes ofcourse.”
“What if I don’t want to be a Kisii?” She asked innocently. I just sat there wondering what is it us kisiis did to deserve this. Tribe Rejection even from your own children, hehe.
“What?” I managed, “what do you want to be?”
“French. I want to be french.”
Gakii.
“I live to enjoy life by the littlest things, feeling the grass between my toes, breathing fresh air, watching the wind sway the trees, enjoying the company of loved ones, a deep conversation, getting lost in a good book, going for a walk in nature, watching my kids grow up. Just the feeling itself of being alive, the absolute amazing fact that we are here right now, breathing, thinking, doing.”
Marigold Wellington
