It is the shoulders that will kill you.
One of nature´s best kept secret. All you hear about is the head and how much damage it causes. The head and how much damage it does to your pelvic area. They lied, all of them. When push comes to shove – and i mean this literally- it is the shoulders that will make you rethink this whole giving birth business. A newborn`s head is soft and tender at this point. That is why when babies are born their heads come in weird sizes and shapes (one day, i`ll tell you guys a story) and you can massage them to whatever shape you deem fit, although most doctors advice you to give it 48 hours and the head will get back to its original shape.
Now, a baby`s shoulders on the other hand….i would be lying if i said i wasn’t traumatized by that experience. I actually had to call my mother a few hours later and accuse her of sins she did not know she had committed, up until that point of-course.
That conversation was something like
Me; ¨how come you never told me,¨
Her; ¨Told you what?¨
Me,¨This whole shoulder business,¨
Her; (in a sheepish voice, and what i would like to believe was an evil grin) ¨Ohh, that.¨
Yes mama, that.
Not that her telling me would have changed anything….actually, come to think of it, it was to my advantage that i did not have a single clue as to what awaited me. Because otherwise i would have bailed out, how or where to i have no idea. Just looking back at how clueless i was, how inexperienced i was makes me grimace in pain. I didn’t know shit (excuse my french). Twenty five years of my existence, being the first born in a family of five, being there for my sister when she gave birth and all, you would expect me to at least have basic knowledge about kids when my own finally came. Right? Wrong. Turns out carrying your very own in your arms is a whole different ball game all together. For some, in a good way while for others not so much. (Another thing we will talk about one day is Postpartum depression and how it affects women, especially first time mothers. People need to realize this monster is real and stop being judgmental towards the victims. A Little understanding would go a long way.)
There is absolutely nothing normal about giving birth. I can come up with a hundred worst case scenarios of what could possibly go wrong. For example, when getting up on that examination bed for those hourly check ups, you could fall flat on your belly and kill both you and your baby. He he he. I am kidding, of course. I think i forgot to mention that shoulders are not the worst thing that can happen to you during delivery. There is this (not so small) matter of nurses checking on your cervix using their fingers to see how far you’ve dilated. For the record, Even the actual process of giving birth is nowhere near as painful as this.
My God. I still shudder to date. Seriously, scientists (or whoever is concerned) need to come up with a new way of doing that procedure. I mean, what on earth? Is there no other way? Female doctors, nothing? It`s 2018 for crying out loud and Dubai is finally coming around to doing what no one thought was possible – building the hyper loop. Remember when Musk first came up with the idea and everyone thought he had gone mad? How everyone thought that even for a genius like him the idea was far fetched and unachievable?
So, the hyper loop is here but women still have to go through the process of being fingered (i don`t know what exactly it is they do, because the pain is out of this world) to measure how dilated their cervix is during delivery. How unfair. I bet if the roles were changed and men were to give birth they would have come up with something by now. A better way. But what do i know? I am just a mother who was mortified beyond believe by this new experience of bringing a whole new human being onto this earth.
I know, i know that at this point i sound like someone who was traumatized by every little thing on that day. And you are right. I was.
When baby came i was so tired. So much infact, that when the doctor placed her on my chest i didn’t as much as glance at her.
¨Don`t you want to know the sex?¨ the doctor asked softly, trying to mask her surprise.
¨Not really,¨ i said tiredly, still not looking at the baby. ¨I know it`s a girl. I did an ultrasound two months ago,¨
The doctor quietly took her away, little thing crying her lungs out to that ka light where they place newborns. To give them warmth or something. I don`t know what its purpose was because i didn’t ask. I had just been through hell and back, literally. At one point, i went to the doctor and told her that at this point i`d rather die than face what i was undergoing. Salome (that was the doctor`s name by the way. Beautiful woman with a beautiful personality. I don`t know what i would have done without her, she tried as much as possible to make things much better for me seeing as i was a stubborn ¨patient¨ Ohh i was stubborn all right.) At which point Salome laughed to my face and told me it was only going to get worse.
¨Finally,¨ i said in a rugged voice, trying to sit up.
¨We aren`t done yet,¨ Salome said cheerfully.
¨What do you mean,¨ i asked her sternly, as if she was the reason i was here, the cause for all my misery at that moment.
¨Ngoja kwanza nikushone,¨
¨Eti ufanye nini?¨ I almost shouted. what the actual hell?! I would not be exaggerating if i told you that it was at that very moment that i wanted to die. For real this time round. I was ohh so ready.
¨What if i don`t want to do it?¨ i asked incredulously.
Salome stared at me and said nothing. She knew the answer to that. And she knew i knew too.
¨When i am done with you……Let`s just say i am going to do a perfect job, like i would want someone to do with me,¨ she said with a huge smile. She knew how to get me, this heaven sent doctor. By the way, the trauma kept piling up. The feeling of that needle on the vaginal walls…..i have to warn you that the anesthesia does nothing for you. You can feel the pain….it`s so real…..sooooo…….you guessed that right -so traumatizing.
I kept screaming and pushing salome`s hands away and as if on cue, my baby let out an earth shattering scream. I turned to look at her for the first time.
¨She has her father`s lips,¨ I said out loud the first thing that crossed my mind when i looked at her. she looked so tiny, so vulnerable, so lost…..i knew there and then that i would always be there for her. I knew that i would always have her back and that i would be her best friend, never judging her but above all, always loving her.
The emotions came in torrents, overwhelming me. I think i shamelessly let a few tears drop at this point.
The feeling is like nothing i have ever experienced, nothing i think i ever will. Magical, out of this world…i could go on and on but that wasn’t the point of this post in the first place.
When i was (finallyyyyyyyyy) done, in bed and holding my tiny bundle, a huge wave of shock hit me.
Her head! what had happened to her head.!
I stared at her in horror, paralyzed in ever bone of my body.
