I have lived the life. I have run the race. It is time I finish this race, I think. I always told you, little one, that when the time comes for me to leave this world I would leave it on a high, in my own terms. Well this is not exactly on a high, but it is on my terms nevertheless.
I might have won the battle, but I sure as hell lost this war. Unfortunate. I never saw myself as one who would lose any war. Not the war on life. Especially NOT the war on life.
What else is there to do? Tell me, little one, what else is there to do? I have put a lot of thought into this; I believe it’s the best thing for me to do. People say suicide is a selfish thing to do, but in my case I hope you will understand. Selfish to who? I have absolutely no one to live for. Nothing to live for. Apart from you of course and you are thousands of miles away. In a foreign country. I haven’t seen you in ten years. Ten bloody years. You have a family now. That is what you live for now. So you will understand that my case is a special case, because in my death I haven’t been selfish to anyone because I have no one in the first place.
You know what happened between me and your mum. I told you in the letters I sent you. The letters you never replied to. I know you read them. I know she explained everything to you anyway. So I cheated on her with Maggie. It doesn’t matter at this point. I loved her dearly (your mum) although she might make you believe otherwise. I never raised my hand on her, never raised my voice on her. In my house, she never lacked anything.
I made a mistake once. I cheated on her with…..with her friend Maggie. Just a stupid mistake and she left and never looked back. I swear upon the gods, that it was a genuine mistake. What I do not find genuine is the timing of her departure. How convenient for her, to leave immediately after I lost everything in the previous post election violence. How bloody convenient of her. I had been with Maggie for three years. Your mother knew about it and she never left. Then one morning, I lose everything. I lose everything and suddenly she remembers that I had a mistress. How convenient of her. I realize now what I was blind to for so many years. That your mother never loved me. Not for whom I really am anyway. I mean, look at me. What bright decisions I made in life!
I lost everything in that violence, pumpkin. Because I wasn’t one of them. Because I wasn’t from their tribe. Every night, the events of that treacherous night haunt me. The nightmares will forever live with me (which is not that forever, considering what I am about to do immediately I am through with this letter). Every single night of my life, all I see are the machetes and the arrows and the angry faces and the guns and the shouts and screams. Who made these people angry? Who made these people that angry? Is it possible for a nation to be this angry? Whatever it is I wronged them, I ask for forgiveness. That people could be so angry towards someone they’ve never met is something I am yet to fully comprehend. Yes, every night, I live with the faces of those angry people. Hacking your siblings to death. And I, watching them and being unable to do absolutely nothing is something I’ll have to live with. Or, to be more precise, something I’ll have to die with.
I have some information. It’s sad information. Although who am I kidding, it would probably make you happy for days. Maggie left. She left with the kid. Your step brother. I know she loved me, but I had nothing to offer her.
Nothing.
As unbelievable as it sounds. I couldn’t offer her simple meals. I live in a hut now in some village. It’s a hard name to pronounce –the village- plus you won’t need it anyway. It’s enough for you to know that I live in a small hut in some isolated village now. The cars, the huge house, the farm; all of it is gone.
Where was I? Ahh, yes. Maggie left me. I can’t really blame her. She had to do what she had to do. Go ahead, pumpkin. Dance to “the bloody old bastard is finally down,” songs. I can take it. Okay maybe I can’t, coz I won’t hear them, not from the ground where they’ll lower me in the next few weeks. I’ll be safe. Safe from more ridicule. Safe from your contempt. Safe from all the craziness that has become this world.
Everyday, I ask myself, what is life? What is life? Do any of us understand? Or we just get consumed, moving along each passing day without a clue. Every night I look at the mirror and ask myself, “what do I stand for?” I bow my head in shame, because the truth is I don’t know anymore. And that, my dear pumpkin is not how I want to live life anymore.
Say hi to my grandchild. The one I never got to see. Tell her I love her very much. And dying like this, that is the only regret I have of this life. Not being able to see my granddaughter.
My mind keeps going back to Maggie. Tell her I love her very much. And I understand why she had to leave. I understand because, I have not had a meal in four days. A meal for myself. What was I to feed them then, if I can’t feed myself? I loved Maggie. I loved your mum too. I know, I know, I sound like a greedy bastard. But it is what it is. And what it is, is that I love them both. In different ways.
But they both left me.
By the time you read this I’ll be dead.
But pumpkin, I want you to know that above all these women, my love to you cannot be compared to anything else. Weep not, child. My lawyers will contact you. Whatever small I leave behind, it is all yours. Remember also, by doing this, I am not selfish. You can only be selfish if there are people you left behind who cared about you.
And I have none.
