The Nightmare That Is Clubbing In Mombasa

Most men from the coast and especially Mombasa will confess their dark escapades at the clubs or wherever it is they go at night if they are honest enough. Most probably wouldn’t because they are married. Which is fine, we understand. Trust me, we do.

The nightlife scene in this small city keep getting gorier and shocking. Some of the stories are simply hilarious and leave you wondering how far some men can go in their quest to quench the never ending fire in the loins. Or in plainer terms, in search for the red velvet. Not such a plain term that one, is it?

The other day, some male friends I happen to know met for a drink at a popular joint in town. It was the kind of night where the wind blows hard and if you listened carefully you could hear the devil himself whisper in your ear. You probably know that kind of night. The one where disaster is just waiting to happen and you know it but stay put because, well because your whole life is boring and the idea of impending drama pushes your adrenaline to levels surprising even to your own body. Also, the thought of going back to your incessantly nagging wife leaves your head pounding and your heart somersaulting. So yes, you’ll rather stay put and order another round for the “boys” instead of going to meet the devil’s incarnate and be reminded of mistakes you did three years ago. Better stay all night with the cold nibbling at your ears as you stare at half dressed girls with very huge butts than step into the war zone you previously called home. Which reminds me, have you noticed how nowadays every girl has a huge behind? As in literally, even skinny girls who you knew back then have miraculously developed big booties and all. God bless the chicken feed vendors! Yes, I said chicken feed. There, you should probably pay me for that business idea Hehe.

So yes, just to set the record straight even though you have already gathered by now, these “boys” are married. “Happily married” they say to all and sundry as they flash their wedding band to anyone who cares to listen because you know what, that ring right there is the pussy magnet.

I drifted….where was i? Ohh, I was just starting the juicy bit.

So the boys are hanging out and talking loudly and tipping the waitress and trying their best to be a nuisance. This is a bit hard you see, because responsibilities have weighed them down and they have forgotten how to be nuisances. In short, age is catching up with them. Hence, you’ll notice the frequent visits to the washrooms. These visits by the way, are more about trying to fight the irritating sleep creeping in rather than going to relieve themselves. But that is neither here nor there. They look at the next table full of boys (without quotes Hehe) as they dance continuously in their colorful outfits screaming the lyrics to every song and as much as they hate to admit it, they are a bit envious. Clearly, the last time they stood to shake a leg in the club was like a year ago, which was the birthday to one of the boys wife. They laugh heartily and talk about business as they drink their fine whiskies.

Suddenly, a group of girls come in laughing and staring around. They shake their ample backsides as their light skin radiates throughout the club, catching the eyes of every man. Oh, did I forget to mention how nowadays almost all the girls are light skinned too? My bad.

The scene is repeated a few times, or rather all the time. Every girl who comes in is pretty and has made an effort to look good. Now, that is where the problem arises. How, you ask? Because telling apart a “decent” girl at the club from one who is peddling her wares at the coast has become one daunting task. They all look the same, walk the same, bleach the same and act the same. The “decent” girls want to dress like the prostitutes and compete with them, wear higher heels etc, etc, while the prostitutes try hard to act like the girl next door, innocent and all. As a man, you are doomed.

The boys were drunk at this point, one thing leads to another and viola! The table now had a girl for each. Of course at the back of their minds there is that kafear of being busted by le wife but they push the evil thought to the furthest corner of their minds, clearly now is not the time.

*John, one of the boys is so excited because, in his own words, he has finally found an innocent beau to be his girl, he whispers to the rest when the girls visit the washrooms. As he says this, his nose is raised defiantly to the air and the others know but don’t say aloud that the defiance is directed to mama watoto. Like, suck it, I can do whatever I want with whoever I want and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Surprisingly all of them choose to ignore the warning bells about the girls living in Mtwapa. Mtwapa is like THE Sodom and Gomorrah, but what does it matter? The girls look good and smell good. What is a Mtwapa?

Anyways this is how it went. *John woke up at 5am in the car feeling cold and tired. He remembered the oral sex he had received and smiled. The smile was short lived however, because his wallet was gone together with the 30k rent that was in it. His watch, shoes, expensive phone and the blender he’d just bought also gone. Innocent girl Ni wewe…

Some free Piece of advice by the way; don’t ever sleep with girls in your car. As in have sex with them. You will have jinxed it. Wapwani twasema wapatia gari nuksi.  That car is as good as sold because, accidents. Curses. And no, that’s not a myth.

The same experience happened to *Steve. His is worse because he ended up giving away the pin number to his ATM card. His account was wiped of the little money it had. He swears he does not remember how any of it happened.

*lexx woke up in a hotel room with not even a shilling on him. Neither did he have his phone. The only thing he had were his clothes.

Only *Alex and *Don survived. As for Alex, the devil’s incarnate kept calling him constantly, and we all know what that does to your err, third leg. Those calls absolutely kill one’s mojo, or so I have been told. Don foresaw an incoming blackout and went to lie in his car “for a few minutes.” When he woke up it was 7 am with only a handful of cars at the parking lot.

There is a group out there on the rampage looking for soft targets to steal from. Beware. They are merciless. Especially you vulnerable men approaching thirty fae to forty running away from your wives looking all vulnerable at the club and loving whatever comes your way. I’m just saying Hehe

Think straight. The red velvet is not the end of the world. If anything, it could be the beginning of your problems.