Why you should never date a Twitter Z chic

Guest post by Anonymous bigwig

Opinions on this blogpost are the guest blogger’s own and do not reflect on sunsetinafrica.co.ke ‘s opinions 

By the time you are reading this, I’m sure you’ve heard something against dating men on Instagram. You may also have read an article about crazy women by Biko Zulu. If you haven’t, please refresh you knowledge. You need it.

It’s a new year, with new standards. If it isn’t right to drive a blue Subaru, I don’t wanna be right. No, really. Do not mess around with Twitter Z chiccas. And if she’s crazy but not Twitter Z, please stay away. The outcome will be the same anyway.

Just Who is Twitter Z

Like the row Z in a stadium, the primary purpose for them is to fill the twitter sphere and contribute with meaningless banter, follow trains, noise and low resolution twitpics. They are here because a Twitter account is everything they have especially when it comes to social life. Unlike their Twitter status, they are miserable in real life and have no real friends. A Twitter Z chic is a Lioness on the TL but mouse in person.

I’ll make it easy for everyone wondering how to spot Twitter Z girls.

1. Many Heavily Filtered images
If her AVI has been worked on, photoshopped with extra filters added to create a new person, run my friend. She’s who she’s not or worse, is still deciding who she wants to become. Easily influenced by fickle trends, she sometimes rolls out 3 heavily filtered AVI’s in a day.

2. Crass. Classless
This girl flaunts her lack of manners and class as if it was a medal. She would probably roll up a booger  into a ball, eat and then tweet that shit with 15 Emojis. She’s got a filthy (Twitter) mouth and zero wit. Once you cross her path, she will string together Malaya, Mbwa koko, Chokora and Shoga into the foulest tweet you have ever seen.

3. Has been in a tweef before
If she’s been in a tweef ever, that’s class Z material right there. Social Media is not that serious anyway, most of you realise that. But Twitter Z folks would die for this sh*t because it’s everything to them. Before you fuck about with a tweefer, remember you are not the first And you certainly won’t be the last one. At one point, your turn will come and get ready to be dragged through the mud. Everything reputable about you will be trashed in the worst way imaginable.

4. It’s like watching the Kardashians on Twitter, only without the glamour. All the sad and mundane bits of her life are relayed at short intervals.

7.10am I’m eating breakfast with bae.
7.20 am I like hizi seats za Ummoiner. Conductor leo ni handsome!!
8.00 am My boss has called for a meeting
8.30 am Aki my boss is just the one, I’m going to Mombasa
9.45 am My tickets are here. Mombasa tunasijaaa, kwanza it’s Mash Bus ya 9.30 o’clock.

5. Follow train

All of you doing follow trains with you know who, Congratulations!! You have made it to Twitter z! Some of us don’t even know how that ratchetery works and there’s no logic to that nonsense. But hey, to be fair to them, they need followers for their lives to have a meaning. So carry on.

6. Has a bae complex
How many of you are having proper relationships and not telling #KOT about it? Well, that’s the rest of us. However, row Z girls are going to be all over a man like Garissa Lodge cologne. Dates with bae will be tweeted, drinks with bae and his pals, cooking for bae, selfie with bae (which turns out to be a collage of 2 photos) roadtrip with bae (posted from Mwiki) The need to belong with someone is so severe, it borders on outright desperation.

7. Does the nasty DM
Ever been DM’d by a chic giving you her number, address, workplace and other details before you asked? Who further DMs (or whatsapps) lots of nasty stuff without a care in the world until you have to google “App to purge Twitter DMs”- that’s a twitter Z lass right there. Ladies, offering a man your vagina after two chats- which you initiated by the way- is not and will never be a turn on. It’s downright nasty. Grossly so. “Do you want this P baby?” – followed by a nude.

8. Always hating and trolling, and mostly on successful and more accomplished women. It’s the emptiness in her life speaking. Stay away, lest you get sucked into that bottomless pit of low esteem and selfloath.

9. Warped Realities

• Talks ill of your Nissan Note amidst her selfies inside an Embassava
• Has a job earns a salary, yet her baby lives with mum 15 kilometers away
• Buys you expensive gifts, a few times more than what she earns in a month
• Will drop anything, even work for time with bae
• Worships bigwigs and the ground they walk on, and quotes their posts in real life conversations.
• Tweet negative stuff about you which they would never say to your face.
• Has 2 or more Twitter accounts, with the other one ‘just for fun’
• Calls you babe/my love before you have actually met
• Quick to throw labels around, while her most valuable possession in the world is a phone
• Endlessly retweets stuff about relationships/break-ups/men/ men who hurt women/ men who cheat on women/ love/ moving on. Sex.

10. Stalks your friends online, with her multiple accounts. Follows all your female friends and DM’s the ones you frequently talk to. Your friends will start receiving messages like. “Hi, I noticed you know @xxyyzz, I just wanted you to know he’s my pals boyfriend”.

I’ve missed out on a lot of Twitter Z traits. I only messed around with one chicca and she’s still stalking and trolling me 6 months down the road with 8 Twitter accounts. In the next post I’ll tell you more about that experience.