First dates can be magical… or they can be absolute chaos. Some people are good at hiding their true self, revealing themselves months or years after being together. That’s why you will hear someone say “I never knew this side of them” years after getting into a marriage. On the other hand are those that just can’t help themselves, they will show you who they really are on the first date.
Whatever the case, first dates are usually a revelation and the reason you should be keen so as not to miss out on the cues and I wish I knew down the line.
1. They Keep Talking About Their EX
Mentioning an ex is normal … .well, kinda, but how many times do they have to bring them up? By the time you leave that date, your ears are ringing with their name. You now even know that ex better than you know your date. And to be honest it doesn’t even matter if they are talking fondly about them or raging blue murder, if they’re still emotionally living in their last relationship, you’ll become their rebound or emotional bandaid. And I am sure you did not sign up for any of these.
2. They’re Rude to Service Staff
This one is simple and self explanatory. If someone treats waiters, guards, drivers or attendants badly, they will eventually treat you the same way. Shouting at the waiter then turning towards you with a smile as if nothing happened is psychotic behavior and not the flex some people think it is.
3. They Overshare Deep Trauma in the First Hour
Honesty is good. Trauma dumping on a stranger? Not quite. Unless you are a therapist…and even then…NO. It means they have poor boundaries and may be seeking emotional rescue instead of a relationship.
4. Their Phone Is the Third Wheel
I remember there was this date I went with a guy that I really liked some years back. The date went well and almost four hours later he pointed out something he said he found interesting. That not once had I been on my phone. “But,” I asked him with a chuckle, “isn’t that normal and expected behavior? What’s extraordinary about that?”
“In this era of the internet, you’ll be shocked how rare that is to find.” Is all he said.
So yes, If they’re constantly texting, picking calls or scrolling while you speak, they’re showing you where their attention (and respect) lies.
And on a first date at that – a time you should both be getting to know about each other.
5. They Make Everything a Joke Even Serious Topics
Humor is attractive, but dodging every important question with jokes suggests emotional immaturity.
Why does everything have to be a joke to you? Why are you joking about domestic violence? How do you expect someone that can’t have a real conversation on the first date to take your intended relationship seriously? Even deeper intimacy will be a struggle.
6. You Haven’t Even Ordered Drinks and They’re Already Asking You Home
So, are we cuddling tonight?
Argggggh.
Flirting is fine. Pressure is not. What’s the rush really? Forgive my French but, some people just love to behave as if they have never gotten laid their entire life. I love me a laid back partner that acts nonchalant towards physical intimacy on our first first meetings. I mean, those are usually the dangerous ones (iykyk). If someone is trying to rush physical intimacy before even knowing your surname, they’re not looking for what you’re looking for.
7. They Call Themselves the “Good Guy/Girl” Too Many Times
If you call yourself a good guy one more time, sir! Good people never call themselves that. The really good guys/ girls don’t even know they are. There is a Swahili saying that goes, kizuri chajiuza kibaya chajitembeza to mean the good one doesn’t have to shout to prove themselves. Their deeds will speak for them. Genuine people don’t advertise.
If they’re trying too hard to convince you of their goodness, chances are the opposite is true.
8. You Leave the Date Feeling Drained Instead of Excited
Your energy rarely lies. Good people, always learn to trust your intuition. If you feel that something is off, then something is off. If you walk away feeling tired, confused, or low… that’s your body waving a red flag on your behalf. Believe it. First dates don’t have to be perfect, but they should make you feel seen. They should be safe and leave you curious and wanting to know more about this person. Not cautious.
In a nutshell, When the early red flags show up, believe them. They’re saving you months of emotional labour, unreturned calls and 2 a.m. “wyd” texts.
