On the internet and everywhere you look, there is a married couple posing together looking happy and content. Make no mistake, marriage is a beautiful journey, but it can also be demanding. We see all the glamour that is being portrayed, content creators doing what they do best – create content. They make it look so effortless and smooth. But is it though? Is that how marriages truly are to the average couple? The truth is, marriage is a tough balancing act between caring for your partner, managing family responsibilities and handling everyday life. In the midst of trying to ensure everyone involved is happy, it’s easy for your own needs to slip to the bottom of the list (and it’s a big, repetitive list). Yet, one truth many people do not realise is that when you nurture yourself, you nurture your marriage too. This article is for married women, who I feel are at the biggest risk “of letting go” of themselves in the process of trying to make sure everyone is fully catered to.
1. Reframe Self-Care as Self-Respect
Before we even talk about anything else, I would love for you to think of Self-care as the oxygen mask rule: you can’t pour into your marriage from an empty cup.
It is not right to put your husband and kids before even yourself. Remember, kids are being themselves and most of the time are happy because you know, who wouldn’t be when all you worry about is playing, latest kids games and what your next meal is going to be? It never crosses their minds that bills have to be paid or even their school fee has to come from somewhere. Even being sent home for school fees is pure joy to some of them because then they get more time to play and sleep.
Husband’s on the other hand, have all the time to prosper, meet with friends and worry about bills, because they know the home front is being taken care of by the wife.
So now we have the wife who on top of going to work and contributing to bills, has to make sure the kids and husband are well dressed and always look presentable, are well fed, the house is always neat – everything in between. A wife is always pouring to other people’s cups. But, how can you pour when you have nothing to pour in the first place?
Start by shifting your mindset. Get that rest your body has been craving so bad. Prioritise personal time and mental health check-ins as essentials, not luxuries.
2. Set and Protect Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are acts of love for both you and your spouse. Learn to say “no” without guilt when you need space to rest or focus on personal projects.
I realise that this is easier said than done. I also have this problem, where anytime I say no to my daughter the guilt creeps in almost immediately. I had to sit down and have a one on one talk with myself. I told myself saying no is not only healthy, it’s vital especially in a world where kids are brought up always getting what they want – results to which we are now witnessing the world over.
It is important to create boundaries even with your spouse because they create room for respect, deeper intimacy and better communication. And most importantly, once you create boundaries you wouldn’t start resenting yourself afterwards for doing something you didn’t want to do in the first place.
3. Make Time for Solo Joy
Rediscover what brings out your inner child or lights you up.
Everyone has one thing that makes them genuinely happy. And that right there, is the secret ingredient for a good marriage. You see, many people give this up once they get married. Sometimes this happens unknowingly. Once you give this up, you start losing joy and become irritable. So now there is a problem that should have never been there in the first place. Sometimes this joy-bringer isn’t even a grand event.
It could be simple activities like painting, morning walks, gardening or café hopping on your own. Some enjoy sampling cocktails in new restaurants. Personally, I am most at peace when I am writing..my head clears up and my thoughts become sharper. Ohh, and trying out new YouTube or Tiktok recipes lol (and this includes cocktail recipes too). Solo activities reinforce your sense of self beyond being a wife and allow you to return to your marriage feeling fulfilled.
4. Invest in Your Physical Wellbeing
This I cannot emphasise enough.
Prioritize health routines you actually enjoy like yoga under the sun, home workouts with music you love or dance classes with friends. I truly enjoy Zumba aerobic dances. Not only does the sweat do wonders for my skin, the confidence that comes with the flexibility is highly recommended. (Do not ask me about flexibility, that one needs a whole article on its own lol. Iykyk)
Whatever health routine you’ll choose, remember that what’s on the inside matters more than any activity you will ever do. Pair it with balanced nutrition, regular check-ups and even exploring trending wellness practices like gut-friendly meals or no-oil cooking.
You are probably wondering what type of regular check ups these are, so I will share a few.
- Annual General Health Screening
Purpose: Early detection of lifestyle-related illnesses e.g., high blood pressure, diabetes, cholesterol. You will be pleasantly surprised to learn that these tests are very affordable and can be carried out in most of your local clinics. Luckily, even if you do not have enough money, you can visit your nearest government hospital where costs for these tests are almost free.
(Includes: Blood pressure, BMI, blood sugar, cholesterol, thyroid function, full blood count.) You only need to do this once a year.
- Gynecological & Reproductive Health
Pap Smear & HPV Test used to detect cervical cancer early. (Every 3 years, or more frequently if advised).
Pelvic Exam Checks reproductive organs for signs of cysts, fibroids, infections. Also done annually at least or in every two years.
Breast Exam. You do not need a mammogram if you are under 40. Manual examination by a doctor will do. If you are over 40 and at a higher risk of having breast cancer then you can carry out a mammogram.
Fertility & Hormone Check if you are trying for a baby or experiencing irregular cycles.
Most of these exams are carried out occasionally by major hospitals in the country for free, you could be on the look out for when these free offers come up. I know Coptic hospital carries these out every 6 months or so.
- Sexual Health Screening
Purpose: Early detection and treatment of sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
Includes: Tests for HIV, syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, hepatitis B/C.
- Dental Check-Up
This helps in Preventing gum disease, tooth decay and related health issues. Also, verily I tell you, that beautiful smile is what will keep your husband running home to you every night.
- Mental Health & Emotional Wellbeing
I feel like us Africans never really acknowledge issues like stress, anxiety, depression or marital strain. But how do we check for these? you might ask. For starters, therapy sessions and counseling could go a long way in maintaining individual mental health and in turn, the family as a whole.
5. Keep Your Mind Stimulated
Small activities like reading widely, learning a new skill or enrolling in an online course could uplift you in ways you can not even begin to imagine. This is because Intellectual growth boosts your confidence and gives you rich, engaging topics to share with your partner. Imagine a marriage where you have nothing to talk about. Believe it or not, many a couple have drifted apart because of this very reason, with some even falling out.
6. Practice Mindful Self-Talk
Your inner voice matters more than anything.
Start your day with affirmations like, “I am worthy of love. I am worthy of rest. And, most importantly, I am worthy of joy.” These words remind us of who we really are and all the beautiful things we deserve but seem to forget along the way. Also, Journaling can help you silence the perfectionist narrative and embrace your identity as an evolving woman.
7. Maintain a Supportive Social Circle
I can write a whole book about this by the way. Your partner’s friends are NOT your friends. Notice how men NEVER lose their friends after getting married? So how come you want to stay friendless now that you are?
It is important to have friendships outside of your clique. Girls you can hang out with once in a while. I understand why you say your man is your best friend, but dear, hanging out with him 24/7 twelve months a year is not healthy at all. It might be fun at first, but wait till the boredom starts to kick in. Also, remember the one law from the 48 laws of power that talks about familiarity breeding contempt? Create some space for missing each other.
Go out with your friends occasionally.
Nurture friendships beyond your marriage. Whether it’s brunch with girlfriends, a book club or a chama where you get to meet even twice a month, these connections provide emotional balance and a space to share your authentic self.
8. Create Restful Spaces at Home
Design a corner of your home just for you. A reading nook, a plant-filled balcony or a serene meditation spot. Growing up, my father had such a spot and when he was around everyone knew not to sit in his space. There, he would quietly read that day’s newspaper while sipping his favourite drink (millet porridge).
You could use this corner to do the things you love like knitting, spend an hour or two on your favourite social media app or what else you need to do to stay sane. You could also design this space and make it soothing using plants, soft lighting and natural textures.
9. Plan Mini-Getaways
Whether it’s a weekend spa retreat or a weekend getaway, a solo road trip or a girlfriends’ beach escape, getting away from daily routines is a powerful reset. New environments refresh your mind and help you see your life from a new perspective.
Kindly, if possible, leave everything else behind…including the children and, most importantly, the husband. You can thank me later.
10. Practice Gratitude
Sometimes, us human beings focus so much on the negatives happening in our lives that we forget to be grateful for the positive stuff happening around us. Surely, out of 10 things, we must have at least 2-3 good things going on? Those 2 things are what I want to focus on.
Write down those, and get to celebrate them. You could keep a gratitude journal and write down the things you are thankful for.
Even in prayers, I realised I focus so much on asking God for this and that, always crying about one thing or the other. One day I woke up and thought, I need to start praying differently. Imagine you were God and every time people came to you in prayer they were crying and complaining. Must suck right? So I started dedicating specific prayers to just being grateful. I would mention every positive thing He had done for me, without asking for anything. These prayers changed my life.
Remember the parable about the 10 lepers that were healed and out of the 10 only one came back to say thank you? Yes, that’s human beings for you. Rarely are we grateful, but are always quick to point out when things are going too well.
Your husband might be having his flaws, as does every human being. Amplify the good as much as you do the bad. After all, why focus on sadness while you could actively choose to be happy?
Simply, what I am trying to say is, take time to appreciate the good things in your life, both big and small so as to cultivate a sense of appreciation and joy.
Finally, please stop comparing yourself to others. Comparison is a thief of joy. Nothing good ever comes out of it. I feel like most married women do this a lot, comparing their marriages to those of their friends, neighbours or worse, celebrities. A mistake really, because behind closed doors, things could be different for these people. No one really shows the bad stuff that happens in their lives. Think how everyone on social media is flourishing and doing well. That can’t be real life right? Where everyone is happy. But how come In real life everyone we know is battling something? Stop comparing yourself to other women, nothing good ever comes from it.
Also, it’s okay to have bad days and reach out for help.
Last last, do not tie your self worth to what your body looks like. Maybe your body changed when you gave birth. Focus on the positive side, you brought forth a whole life (or lives). Even if you didn’t, what does it matter really? We are all beautiful regardless of how our bodies look. You are more than your body.
Final Thought
Loving yourself first doesn’t mean loving your partner less. What it means is showing up as your healthiest, happiest self in the relationship. The more you invest in your own growth and joy, the more you have to give. Because at the end of the day, the best gift you can bring to your marriage is a you who feels whole.
