Today we are shaking this table. It doesn’t even matter if there are expensive drinks on it, the table has to be shaken!
As a girl growing up, how many times were you threatened with this version of the same warning –
“If you keep behaving like that, no man will ever marry you.”
The issue could be as trivial as how loudly you laughed, how you dressed, whether you knew how to cook, how you responded to adults or even how ambitious you were (this! Especially this). Almost every lesson somehow circled back to the issue of marriage. Girls were constantly reminded that their choices, habits and personalities were either building them into “wife material” or disqualifying them from becoming someone’s wife.
Sasa nani atakuoa na hizi tabia zako mbaya??
Aunties reminded their nieces to behave “like future wives,” while in school, girls were often expected to be more responsible and accommodating than boys. And let’s not even begin on modesty. In church, countless sermons and women’s conferences focused on becoming the kind of woman a man would be proud to marry. Across social media, relationship coaches and self proclaimed experts continue to publish endless checklists on how to become wife material (i am talking about you, Bi mswafiri).
Do this….no, not that. Be soft and submissive, and how dare you not know how to cook!
Don’t be too independent or too loud. Most importantly, don’t intimidate men. The list seems endless. It’s just crazy how times have changed, because there is not a single day I have looked at my nieces or daughter and thought hmmmm, who will marry you with that behaviour? God forbid i start preaching to them how this or that is not a very wifely character. But I do think – every single minute- of how they can achieve the highest level of success this life has to give.
So today we ask, what exactly makes a man husband material?
Think back to your childhood. How often did you hear boys being warned, “If you continue behaving like this, no woman will want to marry you?” Or, the cherry on the cake; na hii tabia yako mbaya utapata bibi kweli? If anything, the more badly behaved a man was, the quicker they searched for him a wife. Because, you know…..i dont even know the science behind it to be honest.
How often were young men gathered into seminars specifically teaching them how to become good husbands before they ever became husbands? The difference is difficult to ignore.
Society has spent generations preparing girls for marriage while often assuming that boys will somehow become husbands simply by growing into men. I mean, it’s as if just you being alive is enough qualification. We created an entire phrase – wife material – to describe women who supposedly possess the right qualities for marriage. The term has become so common that almost everyone instinctively understands what it means.
But where is the equally popular conversation about husband material?
Or have we quietly accepted that, for men, simply showing up is qualification enough?
Marriage, however, is not a role that only women prepare for. It is a partnership between two people. If we expect women to develop qualities that make relationships healthier, shouldn’t we expect the same intentional growth from men?
Perhaps it is time to shift the conversation. Not away from women, but towards balance. Because if we are going to keep asking whether women are wife material, then we should be equally willing to ask what truly makes a man husband material.
What, then, does husband material actually look like?
Isn’t it crazy how being a “good husband” has been reduced to (although that’s how it’s always been, tbf) how much money a man has in his bank account, what position he holds in society or the size of his car. While those things may impress people, but they do not sustain a marriage. If anything, we have seen enough examples of wealthy, successful and charismatic men whose relationships crumble because they lacked the qualities that truly matter.
Being husband material begins with emotional maturity.
Can he communicate without resorting to anger, insults or silence? Can he disagree respectfully? Can he admit when he is wrong instead of allowing pride to stand in the way of peace? Marriage inevitably brings disagreements, disappointments and difficult seasons. A man who cannot regulate his emotions during conflict can make even the happiest relationship feel unsafe.
Then there is accountability.
One of the most attractive qualities in any human being is the ability to say, “I was wrong,” without immediately searching for excuses. Accountability is not weakness. It is a sign of confidence and self awareness. A husband should be someone who owns his mistakes, learns from them and actively works to become better.
Respect should also never be optional.
A man who respects women only when he is pursuing one is not respectful. How he treats female colleagues, waitresses, his mother, his sisters and even strangers says far more about his character than grand romantic gestures ever could. Genuine respect is not something switched on during courtship and forgotten after marriage. It is a way of life.
Another overlooked quality is consistency.
Anyone can be loving on birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine’s Day. Almost anyone can make promises when everything is going well. But marriage is built in ordinary moments. It is built in showing up every day, keeping your word, being dependable and making your partner feel secure rather than uncertain.
Financial responsibility deserves a place in this conversation too, though perhaps not in the way many people expect.
Being husband material does not mean being a millionaire. It means understanding that money is a tool that should be managed wisely. It means budgeting, planning, living within one’s means and recognising that providing for a family is about responsibility, not showing off. Financial stability may look different from one household to another, but financial discipline is valuable in every marriage.
A good husband is also secure enough to celebrate his wife’s success.
There was a time when a man’s worth was largely measured by whether he earned more than his wife. Today, many women are educated, ambitious and financially successful. A husband who feels threatened every time his wife succeeds is not building a partnership but competing with the person who should be his teammate. Real confidence allows both people to grow without turning success into a source of resentment.
Perhaps one of the greatest qualities of husband material is understanding that marriage is not about having authority over someone, but rather sharing life with someone.
The healthiest marriages are rarely those where one person serves while the other receives. They are the ones where both partners carry each other through life’s changing seasons. Sometimes one gives more. Sometimes the other does. What remains constant is the willingness to work as a team.
Of course, none of this means women should stop striving to become good partners themselves. Kindness, honesty, patience, faithfulness and emotional maturity are qualities that benefit everyone, regardless of gender. The point is not to replace one unrealistic checklist with another. It’s all about balance.
At the end of the day, marriage is sustained by two people who are equally committed to becoming the right partner for each other.
