How do you cry for someone who made you cry for years?
Some losses come with raw and undeniable pain. Others, well, others leave you confused and strangely hollow. When someone who hurt you dies (a toxic parent, an abusive partner, an estranged sibling etc) grief doesn’t follow the normal script. Expectedly, you might find yourself not grieving at all. And the emotions, if any, would be a conflicting mix of sorrow, anger and even relief.
And then right in the midst of it all, guilt for even feeling at all. This kind of mourning is complicated because it doesn’t fit into condolence cards or cultural rituals. People expect heartbreak and not hesitation. Because surely, this is the same person that caused you pain and so much sadness. How are you expected to mourn such a person? Well, for starters, you deserve honesty with yourself.
When someone who hurt you dies, grief often comes with a cruel contradiction. There might be moments where you will find yourself missing the good moments. The laughter that existed between the shouting or the warmth that occasionally broke through the cold. At the same time, you might also be remembering the damage they caused. It is not abnormal for love and resentment to live side by side. Although if we are being perfectly honest, that coexistence can be emotionally exhausting.
For many people, this inner conflict feels like betrayal. Does mourning them erase the harm they did? And does refusing to mourn means you’re heartless? The truth is that both can be true. You can grieve what could have been while still acknowledging what was. You can miss the idea of the person you needed them to be, even as you accept the pain they gave you instead.
This is what is referred to as ambiguous grief; mourning someone who is both loved and feared. Someone that is remembered and resented. It’s the kind of grief that doesn’t ask for closure because the person grieving recognizes the fact that closure may never come. What it does ask for however, is the permission to feel everything without shame.
Social Misunderstanding
Being Judged for Feeling Relief or Guilt
Few people talk about what it’s like to be silently relieved when someone dies, especially when that person once held power over your peace. Society tends to romanticize the dead. We see it everyday. Corrupt people, thieves and even murderers whose eulogies are cleaned up. How suddenly the dead become righteous, and may their souls rest in peace. Suddenly their entire life is wrapped in the language of virtue and forgiveness. “They meant well,” some will say. “At least they’re in a better place.” You, in reflex of course, might find yourself nodding along even as your stomach tightens and you feel like throwing up. Because the reality you lived doesn’t match the version others remember.
This social pressure ends up being isolating. On one hand is everyone else, expecting tears. And then there is you, awash with relief – a secret you must hide. And yet, relief after pain is a release that is often misunderstood for cruelty. It is not like you wished them harm; just that you no longer have to brace yourself for theirs. Similarly, guilt may surface in strange ways. Guilt for not being sad enough, for feeling lighter or for not having reconciled before they died.
But grief doesn’t need to be performative to be valid. You don’t owe the world visible sorrow to prove your humanity. Matter of fact, you do not owe the world anything at all. Sometimes the most honest mourning happens in silence for the years and the peace they took with them.
Therapeutic Ways to Process Complex Loss
Love and harm – two different emotions now struggling for a spot. At this point, healing requires both time and intention. Grieving someone who hurt you is not about forgiving them instantly or forcing closure. Rather, it’s about untangling your emotions without minimizing your pain or denying your humanity.
- Name your emotions, even the uncomfortable ones.
Anger, sadness, confusion, even indifference. All of these are legitimate responses to loss. You could start by writing them down. Or speaking them aloud. You could also share them with a trusted therapist who can help you give shape to feelings that might otherwise just kill you softly.
2. Acknowledge what you lost beyond the person.
Sometimes what you mourn is not the person themselves, but the dream. You mourn the hope that one day they would change. That maybe, they could have apologized or loved you the way you needed. Name that lost possibility so as to allow you to grieve the idea of the relationship instead of getting trapped in its pain.
3. Create a ritual that centers you.
Traditional funerals may not feel authentic when your relationship was fractured. Instead, try a personal ritual like writing a letter you will never send or lighting a candle to mark your release. Another ritual that could also help is visiting a place where you feel safe. Remember, grief belongs to the living and not the dead.
4. Seek professional or peer support.
Complex grief benefits from compassionate guidance. A therapist experienced in trauma or family estrangement can help you process conflicting emotions without judgment. Online support groups can also offer validation from people who’ve been through similar terrain. At least when surrounded by like minded people, you are reminded that you are not alone and that healing doesn’t require permission.
To grieve someone who hurt you is to step into one of the most courageous kinds of mourning. Honestly, I applaud anyone who has been through that path and managed to come through in one piece. To be able to overcome demands honesty and not idealization. It asks you to tell the truth about what was broken and what can finally be released.
Never forget that you’re grieving for your own.
In reclaiming your emotional truth, you take back the power they once had over how you felt, loved, or saw yourself. You begin to separate your identity from their shadow. And most importantly, you begin to feel without fear and to remember without being consumed.
Grief, then, becomes an act of self-liberation. You only have to tell yourself the truth. Because truth as we all know, will set you free.grieving someone who hurt you, complicated grief, toxic relationships, emotional healing, ambiguous loss, trauma and grief, family estrangement, mourning, self-forgiveness, grief recovery
