Are We Dating or Just Transacting?
Somewhere between the send fare debates and the never ending question of “what do you bring to the table?” Kenyan dating has quietly transformed into something…. different. Love is still there, of course, but it now competes with expectations and an unspoken pressure to prove your worth before you even meet.
As we now love to say, the pressure is getting worser. More and more, dating is beginning to feel less like two people getting to know each and now feels like a negotiation. It’s like getting into a battlefield, and we all know what happens when you go into battle not armed to the teeth and psychologically prepared. You either die, or come out badly maimed. Not to mention the PTSD that is usually the aftermath of war.
Who’s paying? What lifestyle can you maintain? Is this a relationship or a financial arrangement in disguise? So much seems to be working against modern dating. Factors like rising living costs, tense gender dynamics and social media highlight reels are shaping what romance should look like. Do genuine connections still stand a chance at this point? Are we becoming too transactional? Or are we just adapting to the world we live in?
Money really is the new love language. It is, after all, 2025, and if you will excuse my French, asking someone to send fare is now considered foreplay. Yes, Mpesa notifications have quietly become the new love language. An mpesa message means many things, among them “I’m thinking of you,” “I got you,” or even “I like you enough to invest in our date.”
And it is not just about covering a meal or a ride. Money has become the way to prove your reliability. Can you show up? Do you understand the rules of modern romance? For many, spending has replaced poems and subtle gestures. Long gone is the era of romantic letters that millennials put their everything into writing. Swipe left if you can’t contribute but, you know, swipe right if you can handle your own Uber and maybe a little extra. And yet both the men and women are also manoeuvering this currency driven courtship. Asking for a small token isn’t gold digging but signaling standards. Sadly, romance has learned to speak in numbers, not words anymore.
Gender Roles in a Recession.
As it stands, modern dating is about who can send fare and pick up brunch tabs…and much, much more. Filly gas, pay for my WiFi, and can you please chip in for my rent this month, babe? It’s now a tug-of-war between old expectations and new realities. Traditionally, men were expected to provide. First dates, flowers and the grand gestures. They were the financial backbones in a home. But how difficult that is proving to be in today’s economy. Being the provider can be easier said than done because of how nflation is real and salaries are stagnant. Forget the salaries even … .where are the jobs in the first place? In this day and age where rents have shot through the roof and school fees mean paying an arm and a leg, being the provider is almost as difficult as climbing Mount Kenya in flip flops.
It is also the era where women are becoming increasingly independent and financially capable. Is it unfair to ask for fairness then? Is it morally wrong to ask for a small contribution from your married partner, especially when you put in mind that women are still expected to play housemaker and do every single home duty? And to be honest, how long ago did we blur the lines on 50-50?
This clash can create tension, with men feeling pressure to perform and women insisting on standards. How much can you give without being judged and how much should you demand without seeming too much?
It is okay to contribute to the household bills as a wife, but will your husband then (and in this case I am talking about African settings, not the western world where the dynamics are totally different) also start cleaning the house, dishes, laundry….you know, the whole 9 yards when it comes to house chores? It is all so confusing, isn’t it? Because then the whole family will be up in arms. Ohh, their son amekaliwa chapati. And the neighbours will stay side eying the said man so hard.
Back to the dating scenario, which has now become a careful balancing act. One wrong move like failing to cover Uber fare or splitting the dinner tab and the relationship might as well be declared bankrupt. And I understand anyone who terms this as transactional, but unfortunately it’s really about survival and mutual respect in a world where money and gender expectations collide.
We cannot talk about all this without a metion at Social media because ultimately it has influenced this a lot. Actually it has played a huge role in getting us here. Scroll through Instagram and it starts looking like everyone is living the soft life. Brunches at rooftop cafés, weekend getaways and designer outfits – the highlight reels just keep going on and on. In Kenya’s dating scene, these curated lifestyles have become the unofficial rulebook for romance. This is now the blueprint of dating and it’s either you shape up or you ship out. And let me tell you Maina, Millennials and Genz are not playing about it.
Plus it’s not just about showing up anymore but showing up correctly. A simple coffee date can turn into a full blown aesthetic exam. Does your outfit match the vibe? Can you keep up with the lifestyle snapchat? Can you afford the experiences your date expects? All these appearances are sometimes far from reality.
The pressure is getting worser.
Soft life culture is now colliding with actual life. Salaries and day to day expenses don’t match Instagram’s perfection. The result is resentment. Because love shouldn’t come with filters. Yet, here we are, swiping and negotiating in the shadow of someone else’s carefully edited highlight reel.
Exit transactional relationships, enter the era of situationship economics. These are half relationships that are undefined and casual, but often financially intertwined. They are the relationships where you date for a whole year without knowing your partner’s second name or any of his family members. Babe is enough, right? And these have now become the norm. They are a common strategy for navigating modern romance in Kenya.
Why commit fully when the cost is high, expectations are sky-rocketing and every outing comes with a bill? Situationships are complicated. They can be flings, they can be the term also that replaced “friends with benefits.” In Jada Smith’s famous words, they are entanglements. The lines are blurry. They can also indicate open relationships. Situationships allow people to enjoy companionship without the full financial or emotional burden of a traditional relationship. It’s a survival tactic where you share rides, split meals, “Netflix and chill” together but keep the freedom to exit if things get too complicated.
Yet, even in situationships money still dictates the rules, a subtle reminder that even when labels are removed, economics remain at the core. It’s no wonder then that emotional intimacy now seems to be taking a backseat. Conversations about feelings or future plans are often overshadowed by practical concerns like “Can you pay your share?” In worse case scenarios, “Does your lifestyle match my Instagram aesthetic?”
I know people in situationships that still long for genuine connection. People who still crave laughter over coffee and late night heart to hearts. Who doesn’t want reassurance that they’re valued beyond their bank balance? Men might act indifferent , but deep down we all know they do. Everybody does. So where does all this leave Kenyan dating? With fare debates, soft life expectations and situationship economics, it’s easy to feel like romance has become non-existent.
Love, this beautiful feeling that was once spontaneous and messy (nostalgic enough yet?) now carries a price tag. And the rules keep shifting.
In short, modern dating in Kenya is evolving – some would say surviving – but the question that we cannot pretend to ignore anymore is whether we are negotiating love, or we are losing it. The answer might just depend on whether we remember to value the heart as much as the wallet.
