I recently came across a post on X talking about an international school in Kenya that does not admit children that come from single parent homes. I am not sure how I felt about the post, all I know is that somewhere in between the rollercoaster of emotions was a ball of sadness. What kind of society is this that ridicules its own children? What exactly do we benefit from all the trolling? And above all, what society is this that shuts its doors on innocent children because they are being brought up by one parent? As if society is not already hard on them! And then when these very kids grow up with mental issues, disturbed to a degree, do you think that your child then – the one that was brought up with both parents – will be exempt from the ripple effects?
Why do we stigmatise and call names to the parent that decided to stay, and glorify the parent that walked away?
Fact if, the numbers on single parenthood in Kenya are, for lack of a better word, alarming. Clearly the face of family is shifting. Single parenthood is being normalised as more parents raise children on their own for a number of various reasons. Some lost their partners through death, some partners disappeared into thin air never to be traced again and some just…..do not care. Single parenting, a vice that is not new to the world, remains weighed down by stigma and stereotypes.
We focus too much on the struggle and forget the quiet victories that define many of these families.
According to the Kenya Demographic and Health Survey (KDHS) 53% of children under age 18 live with both parents. Basically what it means is that the rest – nearly half – do not.
Today we will take a look at the challenges that come with single parenting and the support systems that step in to help.
Challenges Single Parents Face
Notice how I intentionally use the term single parents and not single mothers. This is not about women and their struggles. I am not here for any gender wars. I am here to address the challenges faced by any parent – male or female – trying to bring up their child/ children single handedly.
Now that that is out of the way, maybe we can talk about Single parents in Kenya and how they find themselves in a complex web of responsibilities and expectations. The biggest challenge of course, is usually the financial strain that comes with raising kids alone. Children do not come cheap, so you can imagine how much more expensive it becomes when the weight of providing falls on one set of shoulders. School fees, healthcare, food, rent – you name it. All these can and will feel overwhelming without a second income.
And then there is the social stigma. This is huge especially in Kenya, and we see it all the time especially on social media. Abuses from morning till night. And it is not just light banter, it is endless pounding without a concern about how the people reading these comments behind the screens take the trolling. Single mothers are unfairly judged as having failed marriages (alishindwa kulinda boma yake) while single fathers are often looked at suspiciously (huyo ni walking red flag.)
Juggling between breadwinning and caregiving is not an easy job, and honestly everyone doing it should be lauded and not called names. The stress of being everything and everywhere at once can take a toll on mental health.
And what about emotional and mental health struggles that come with being a single parent? If it isn’t the feelings of loneliness that will “kill” you, then the guilt or feelings of inadequacy will. When a person that puts up an outward appearance of strength lacks strong support systems, they may easily spiral into depression or anxiety.
Support Systems Available
Single parents in Kenya are not entirely without support.
Let us be honest, what is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of being single parents? Or rather, who is the first person that comes to mind?
Mothers, right?
What would we do without our parents?
Nobody can bring up your child as well as your parents could. Granted, we have a number of bad apple cases, but those are usually rare ones. In many Kenyan households, relatives like grandparents, aunties or siblings help with child-rearing and emotional support. Community networks, especially in rural areas, act as a safety net.
Faith based and community groups like churches, mosques and women’s groups are also a safe space for providing counseling and financial assistance. They have been proved and tested, and the truth is some of these faith-based spaces have been lifelines (especially for mothers) for decades.
There are also government and NGO programs, like cash-transfer programs that support vulnerable households. I know of many widows that get a small grant from the government every end of the month. I also know of a number of NGOs that run projects that empower single parents through microfinance and training (some of these have even paid school fees for my own sisters through to university after my dad died many years ago.
Finally, we have social media where digital communities come up every day. Spaces where single parents connect and share experiences. These online forums should never be taken for granted by the way, because they have pulled many a people out of pits that would have otherwise been very hard to come out of.
Writing this article is close to my heart, and I would love to remind every single parent in Kenya (or in the world for that matter) that while the struggles of single parenting in Kenya are real, so too are the victories. We have so many children that were brought up by one parent and still made it. So many kids that went on to make something great out of themselves. It is these stories of resilience that remind us that family is not defined by structure, but by love and dedication.
My own mother , a woman that single handedly raised five children on her own, is one such story of resilience. After my dad passed away, a man that took his providing and protecting role quite seriously, my mom was left in serious limbo. (I have talked about this severally in other articles I have shared on this blog.)
My dad’s exit left my mom with not just financial strain but emotional voids as well. We had to leave the comfortable life we were accustomed to at the Coast and start over in the village, where hardship became a daily reality.
When I look at how far we have come, I marvel so much.
Despite the struggles, she managed to educate all five children, three of them all the way to university, with the others still in school. My mom’s journey is a clear testament to the long-lasting impact of a single parent’s determination. It’s proof that even in the toughest of circumstances, love and commitment can carve out futures filled with possibility.
As a society, the least we can do is create systems that ease single parents’ burden through empathy, inclusive policies and community support. Because this is not even about them anymore. When single parents win, their children win…. and so does the nation as a whole.
